


Catty Behavior

by laurelnose



Series: witchers being weird [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Hairballs, Vomiting, Weird Biology, Witcher Potions (The Witcher)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:47:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24776371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurelnose/pseuds/laurelnose
Summary: Lambert discovers a fact about how Cats brew their potions that he really would have preferred not to know.
Relationships: Aiden/Lambert (The Witcher)
Series: witchers being weird [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791910
Comments: 7
Kudos: 139





	Catty Behavior

Lambert opened his eyes to a starlit sky and Aiden making noises like a rotfiend about to blow. He sat up—Aiden had moved from his own bedroll, and was now kneeling on the other side of the extinguished fire apparently trying to regurgitate a lung.

“Aiden?” he asked, scrambling out of his bedroll ready to grab his alchemy bag or thump Aiden on the back or _something_.

Aiden flapped a hand at him dismissively and didn’t stop making that noise. Lambert paused, confused, and ended up just standing there awkwardly watching Aiden hack.

Then Aiden vomited something onto the dirt, spat twice, and took a swig from his waterskin, which he’d had ready the whole time.

What the fuck.

“Is that a fucking hairball,” Lambert said, wondering if he was actually still dreaming.

Aiden nodded, then cleared his throat, thumping himself a couple times on the chest. “Yeah. Was probably overdue, that was a pretty big one.” He smiled at Lambert.

Lambert squinted at him.

“Do you not get them?” Aiden asked, like it was just now dawning on him that this was _deeply weird_.

“What the actual fuck, Aiden,” Lambert said, with feeling. “No, I don’t get _hairballs_. I thought you might be _dying._ ”

Aiden’s eyes went all fond at that. “What do you put in your Tawny Owl?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Lambert asked suspiciously.

“Katakan fur,” Aiden said without hesitation, like potion recipes weren’t secret for a _reason_. “The coating on the hair reacts with the arachas venom and boosts the effect. Every Cat I know does it that way.”

Lambert stared at him. “That—so you just—have hairballs?” He’d never heard of adding anything from a katakan to Tawny Owl, but— “Why would you not use the oral glands? You know katakans get that coating by grooming themselves, right?”

Aiden shrugged. “Hair preserves better and there’s more of it. Not all of us get hairballs, anyways, my body just doesn’t pass the hair right all the time.”

“…I’m going back to bed,” Lambert said.

“Fiend hair works a treat in Maribor Forest, too!” Aiden called after him. Fucking Cats adding _indigestible solids_ to their potions. Lambert did not dignify him with a response.

**Author's Note:**

>  **lambert:** damn bitch you live like this?  
>  **aiden:** you get used to it!  
>  **lambert:** i’m never kissing you again
> 
> Look, I told my friend “Cat witchers get hairballs” as a joke, and then a perfectly plausible mechanism for why that might be hit me at 1AM, and now I’m inflicting this headcanon drabble on all of you, you’re welcome. [Cross-posted to Tumblr here.](https://laurelnose.tumblr.com/post/621190209060634625/catty-behavior)


End file.
